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Step 1: What questions would you ask about this data? 

1. Who is this for? What is their level of expertise in the subject matter?

2. What is the main point we're trying to convey?

3. What is the significance of the red box?

4. Is there meaning behind the different dash types?

5. Lot's of technical questions about what the jargon-y labels mean: LTV, UPB, ONBS, etc.

Step 2: What feedback would you give your team member? 

I would recommend making the graph as plain-speak as possible, and assume that the audience won't possess the deep knowledge of the statistician. I would replace acronyms, abbreviations, and anything else that isn't obvious, to avoid confusing the audience.

I would match the title with the main point of the graph, so the viewer understands upfront what we're trying to communicate.

I would see how much I could simplify the elements, to avoid any confusion. We have lines that are both different colors and different dash treatments, which might raise more questions than it clarifies. 

I'd see how much I could simplify and clearly identify the axes. This will allow the viewer to scan and make comparisons more quickly. The second Y axis adds a level of complexity.

Step 3: How would you recommend presenting this? 

If this graph is sent around as a stand-alone, I'd recommend the simplifications from Step 2 to help with accessibility and readability. 

I wasn't familiar with a lot of abbreviations, so I researched and made some assumptions here. I'm proposing two potential headlines that could indicate two possible stories:

Actual Prepay Rate is Lower than Model for Low Loan-to-Value Accounts (Highlighting what's happening at the left of the graph-the diverging Model/Actual lines)

or

Outstanding Principal Balances Are Being Paid As Expected (Highlighting the convergence of the Model/Actual Lines where the UPB is peaking)

I removed the dashes, made the actual and model lines two shades of gray to emphasize their relationship, and changed the unpaid balance data to an area chart that is color coded with the second Y axis, to mitigate the confusion of the additional axis.